Low Key :: Fuck 2020

At the start of this year I had grand visions of becoming a new version of myself; visions of adventures and traveling around the US for concerts and to meet my internet friends for the first time in person. January had been amazing to me; I was given the chance to earn my provisional license as a Pharmacy Tech, I went to a concert with my mom to see the love of my life perform, and I got tickets to see my favorite group perform in another state to which I would be flying to alone.

February was also very good to me; I had my 27th birthday, got my second tattoo, got my nose pierced and started my TikTok account. I was making enough money to treat myself to certain things whenever I needed a pick me up or when I felt that I deserved a little something for my efforts. I had a lot of great things going for me and I was actually excited for this year to be the year that everything changed for the better.

Then the pandemic hit and my state went into mandatory lock down…

I had to get a form signed by manager in order to travel between home and work, I had to self asses my health condition before going to work and had to call out every time my temperature was higher than normal. I was forced to wear a mask for 9 hours a day and told that we were no longer allowed to take lunches with our coworkers. Everything had to be sanitized every hour and we weren’t allowed to leave our designated areas unless we got permission to do so.

My friends and I stopped talking because we were all so stressed out about possibly losing our jobs or having to self isolate for two weeks with no human contact. My mental health took the largest dive since middle school and I got put on anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. I was diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, insomnia, anemia, borderline personality disorder, and disassociation disorder. I was supposed to be tested for autism but then my clinic got put under isolation after a patient went in with COVID symptoms and I haven’t been able to return since.

My concert and flight got canceled, the trips to Korea I had planned with friends was canceled, my trip to meet my internet friends was canceled, and worst of all I couldn’t leave my house unless it was to go to work or buy essentials. I started gaining weight due to my medications and lack of exercise once my gym closed down. My creative powers vanished and I became this little vampire who is afraid of the sun and hates being around people.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to bounce back and be that girl who was so determined to change; the girl who was willing to fight for what she believed in and what she wanted. This year has thrown the hardest obstacles at me since birth and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to change back to who I was. So low key fuck 2020 – I won’t miss this year at all.

Learning Daily

It’s never too late to teach an old dog a new trick

When I graduated school for the last time I was under the impression that I no longer needed to learn anything. Growing up it felt like I was told that once I finished school that meant I knew everything there was to know about this world, everything I needed to know in order to survive. After getting my first job I realized that the child version of myself had been tricked into thinking something that just wasn’t true. When I first got hired, I spent about three days on the computer learning about all the policies and how to handle certain situations in a professional manner. I had never even thought that in order to be a cashier you needed to know so many things.

When I got promoted to be the photo specialist I had to learn more things; I couldn’t just hit two buttons and print photos anymore, I had to learn how to put together canvases and metal sheets and photo albums. I had to learn how to submit a personalized blanket to be shipped to the store. It was incredible how many things I had to learn in addition to what I already knew. When I got promoted to be the beauty advisor I once again had to learn new things like how to match foundation colors to the customer, what skin types benefit from which products, how to describe the scent of perfume.

When I was promoted again to shift supervisor I had to spend a week learning more things on the computer and then I had to learn more things when I became a pharmacy technician. When I look back at my childhood I can’t help but question how I came up with the idea that once you graduate from school you no longer needed to learn, there was nothing left to learn. Every day I learn something new whether it be something to do with my job, my friends, or myself. I’m always learning and I appreciate that this world has so many lessons to offer me.

One thing I’ve enjoyed learning about the most is letting go; letting go of the idea that I need to be perfect and look perfect for people to notice me. Letting go of that false idea that only model looking people will be liked. Letting go of that inner voice that constantly told me “You’ll never be good enough”. As silly as it may sound, I’ve learned how to just not give a rats ass through TikTok. This app that was seemingly made for children actually helped me learn to just be myself and stop caring so much about what I look like.

I know I’m the best looking person nor the healthiest looking person but I somehow managed to obtain over 300 followers in just two months. The amount of confidence this has given me is beyond what I could have imagined just five months ago. What started as a joke has now become something I have passion for and enjoy doing every day and you can bet that I’m still learning new ways of editing and filming my videos.

The moral of this story is to never stop learning, allow yourself to be open to the idea of learning something new. It doesn’t matter how old you are, it doesn’t matter if you got your doctorate in something a few years ago. Like the saying goes “It’s never too late to teach an old dog a new trick” go forth and prosper. Always remember that continuously learning can open your eyes up to something new and amazing.

The Journey Begins

Our pasts do not define who we will be in the future but rather it aids us in becoming people who will do great things for society

Every person has a story to tell; of their adventures, their sorrows. There was this woman who came to my work place often who loved to tell us about her adventures and her dreams. When she passed away we all felt sorrow and wondered if she had ever accomplished all of her adventures before leaving us. She would remind us to take time to go on our own adventures, to learn about ourselves, and allow the universe to show us our purpose here. I wasn’t ready to go on any adventures, not with this pandemic and riots going on all over the world. I wasn’t ready to dive deep into my own self and discover what was hiding there.

As someone who was so used to just diving head first into everything and getting her heart torn into a thousand pieces, I just wasn’t ready to uncover anything that I had buried. I didn’t want to relive past trauma nor be reminded of how my one true love left me for another woman. I was content with living my life as blindly as possible in order to forget the heartache and the pain of my past. The old woman, however, has been watching me from heaven and she decided that I was being too thick headed for she visited me in a dream and told me to stop acting like a bratty child.

She told me that our pasts do not define who we will be in the future but rather it aids us in becoming people who will do great things for society. She thumped me on the forehead with a flick of her fingers and told me to stop being scared, told me to dive head first into this journey and not to fear failure for someone will be there to catch me when I fall. Someone will be there to encourage me to continue and remind me that failure is a part of life and that it’s okay to fail.

When I had woken up from that dream the sun seemed brighter, the air more crisp. I had a tingling sensation in my body as though I had been struck by lightening. Something had been awoken inside me and I would soon find out that was my inner voice seeking companionship from myself. I decided to go on this journey of self discovery and to accept and learn from my past in order to become someone that does great things for society.

This journey won’t be an easy one, but, I now know that it will be rewarding and at some point I’ll look back on the journey and be thankful for that silly old woman bopping my forehead in a dream. I know that I have guardians watching over me and I know that the universe will guide me through this journey. I may make mistakes and at times I might even fail but there will always be a reason for me to get back up and try again.

Thank you Mrs. Wilson – may you rest in paradise

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